Wednesday, April 09, 2008
How to know if you're watching too much TV
I've fallen asleep several times this past week with commercial jingles in my head, over and over, making me feel like I am crazy. The one that was driving me really crazy was "Activia," that sing-songy way to say the word. Then it was "588-2300, Empire" - the carpet people. But last night it was "Five dollar footloooo-ng" - the new Subway ads. You'd think with my background in advertising that I'd find it entertaining, but it's just plain annoying. I think I need to cut back on the TV watching.
Monday, April 07, 2008
A foot in two worlds
One summer when I was a kid, my grandparents took me on a trip to the U.P. of Michigan. I stood under the Mackinaw Bridge in the water, saying "Look, I'm standing in Lake Michigan and Lake Huron at the same time." I thought that was pretty cool. But now that I am a mom, a parent, someone responsible for a small person who relies on me for everything, I don't know if I like that feeling so much.
I feel like I have a split personality lately. I have been vascillating between "Ohmygosh I can't get enough of looking into his eyes and I don't want to set him down, I just want to hold him all the time, he's so awesome" and "When can I put him down and get my life back to what it was before?" Which of course, won't happen... life has changed into something else now and I can't go back. But I haven't figured out what that is yet, because I don't know. There's no plan, no guidebook, no instruction manual, no agenda.
I find myself wishing the time away. When we're up in the middle of the night, I check the clock a lot, looking to see how long he's been eating, estimate when he might be done, how long it might take to burp him and then when he might sleep... because that's when I can sleep. Then I want to skip ahead to the sleeping part, particularly if I get a chance to actually sleep in my own bed next to my husband. But then the other part of me says, "Don't wish the time away; then it will go too fast and before you know it he'll be walking and talking and telling you NO and you'll say 'where did the time go?'" I might sleep through the whole night again someday, but for now I'd appreciate one night a week where I am not interrupted and don't have a child sleeping on me. Of course, holding him with both arms while he sleeps and makes that little snoring noise, is just the best whole feeling I've ever had. It also makes me wonder what I ever did with all my free time before.
And I can't wait for the time when he is older and we can take him to do something fun like picking berries or going to a museum, but I also appreciate the portability of his size right now. I look forward to the day that he can dress himself and feed himself, and tell me what he's thinking. But I like the fact that I have some control over what he eats and wears right now, considering I don't have much control over when he eats yet or how often I have to change his clothes.
I'm straddling two worlds in several ways. I also can't wait to lose the weight I gained... although I have lost some, I'm still about 5 pounds up from the day we got married, and even then, I wanted to lose 20 pounds. I'm trying to squeeze into my old clothes, because the maternity clothes are too big. But the old clothes are still a bit small.
I want to get back to work, because I need the intellectual stimulation... but also because we have some stuff to pay off and keep payments up on. The other part of me also wants to just go to play dates with my son and drink caffeinated stuff at a cafe with other moms and chat about whatever.
After talking to a girlfriend and also my sister this weekend, I discovered that I am not alone in this feeling and that it will probably continue. I guess this whole experience of being a parent will make me learn how to react to things "on the fly" and be more flexible. At least, that's what I can hope for.
I feel like I have a split personality lately. I have been vascillating between "Ohmygosh I can't get enough of looking into his eyes and I don't want to set him down, I just want to hold him all the time, he's so awesome" and "When can I put him down and get my life back to what it was before?" Which of course, won't happen... life has changed into something else now and I can't go back. But I haven't figured out what that is yet, because I don't know. There's no plan, no guidebook, no instruction manual, no agenda.
I find myself wishing the time away. When we're up in the middle of the night, I check the clock a lot, looking to see how long he's been eating, estimate when he might be done, how long it might take to burp him and then when he might sleep... because that's when I can sleep. Then I want to skip ahead to the sleeping part, particularly if I get a chance to actually sleep in my own bed next to my husband. But then the other part of me says, "Don't wish the time away; then it will go too fast and before you know it he'll be walking and talking and telling you NO and you'll say 'where did the time go?'" I might sleep through the whole night again someday, but for now I'd appreciate one night a week where I am not interrupted and don't have a child sleeping on me. Of course, holding him with both arms while he sleeps and makes that little snoring noise, is just the best whole feeling I've ever had. It also makes me wonder what I ever did with all my free time before.
And I can't wait for the time when he is older and we can take him to do something fun like picking berries or going to a museum, but I also appreciate the portability of his size right now. I look forward to the day that he can dress himself and feed himself, and tell me what he's thinking. But I like the fact that I have some control over what he eats and wears right now, considering I don't have much control over when he eats yet or how often I have to change his clothes.
I'm straddling two worlds in several ways. I also can't wait to lose the weight I gained... although I have lost some, I'm still about 5 pounds up from the day we got married, and even then, I wanted to lose 20 pounds. I'm trying to squeeze into my old clothes, because the maternity clothes are too big. But the old clothes are still a bit small.
I want to get back to work, because I need the intellectual stimulation... but also because we have some stuff to pay off and keep payments up on. The other part of me also wants to just go to play dates with my son and drink caffeinated stuff at a cafe with other moms and chat about whatever.
After talking to a girlfriend and also my sister this weekend, I discovered that I am not alone in this feeling and that it will probably continue. I guess this whole experience of being a parent will make me learn how to react to things "on the fly" and be more flexible. At least, that's what I can hope for.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Sliding into motherhood
I've been composing this post in my head for a couple of weeks now.
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Tomorrow will mark three weeks since I had a baby. It was not supposed to happen the way it did, emergency C-section and all, but everyone is OK and that's all that really matters. Because our son (still weird to say that) was 6 weeks premature, he has been in the NICU since birth. We've been visiting every day, sometimes twice. At first I had to be wheeled in to the hospital and up to the unit because of my surgery and high blood pressure, and because I was utterly exhausted from healing up. Everyone is saying, you're sort of lucky that you get this time to heal up, otherwise you'd be healing up and taking care of a newborn. I guess it's true. I do feel better than I did three weeks ago but I also am not sure about this time being an advantage over other people's experiences.
I think my husband said it best: Most people have a couple of days of excitement around the time of a new baby being born, particularly their first. Then they bring the baby home and all that excited feeling turns into nervous feeling. Doubting one's ability to take care of this squalling few pounds of person that you love more than anything even though you know nothing about them. It's all a guessing game - Why is the baby crying? Diaper? needs to be held? gas? tired and doesn't want to sleep? scared of a noise? And it's up to you to figure it out and solve the problem ASAP.
We've now had three weeks of up and down and back up again, while we watch our little guy go from an isolette to a little crib, and cross our fingers each time he got to a feeding. At first I wasn't sure I was bonding or connecting with him, but that went away as soon as I was able to nurse. I even say to myself each time I have to sit down and express milk on the dreaded pump: "This is for Ethan," and it doesn't hurt as much. One night last week as I sat holding him, waiting for Scott to arrive at the hospital, I looked at Ethan's little relaxed sleeping face and just about burst into tears, from the sudden rush of love I had for this little guy. As I was telling Scott, I love him simply because he's here, on this earth, not because I know anything about his personality to love, like I would normally for an adult I would meet.
Last night he was circumcised and it just about tore my heart out to hear him wailing ... I felt completely inept. But finally he was soothed and took some food, then collapsed into a limp sleep on Scott's lap.
I've been referring to my parents as mom and dad for 37 years... but now they are grandma and grandpa and I am the mom, Scott is the dad... I need to retrain the brain into using these labels. I also have to remember that there is help when I need it, and to ask for it. I am not good at that, so I will have to work on that too.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
I can't make this stuff up
So I am sitting in the teeny tiny coffee shop here in Milan, The Lighthouse Cafe, finishing up that newsletter copy that is now overdue... Scott is painting the baby's room so I can't be around the fumes for a few hours. When I got here at 9 a.m., there were just three other people here. I figured that would be it, since it's like 2 degrees out today, with gale force winds.
But more have wandered in here since, including a woman I assumed either had Alzheimers or wasn't all there... I mean, you can tell something's just off with her. Big thick Coke bottle glasses, shuffles when she walks, and has the worst hat hair I've ever seen. Wearing an old cardigan sweater and sweatpants, with thick socks and beat up sneakers. She seems to be a regular because she was chatting a while with the owner (at least the guy I assume to be the owner) about it being OK to "practice." No idea what she's talking about.
Of course, I'm all comfy here in the corner on a fairly nice couch with a pillow behind me, laptop on what lap I have left, and I didn't even notice the piano in front of me until she sat down at it. She propped up what seems to be a beginner piano book, and starts playing "How Much is That Doggie in the Window," then "Amazing Grace," "On Top of Spaghetti," "Put Your Head on My Shoulder" and few other short pieces. The guys behind the counter both encouraged her after almost every song at first, and she just waved them off, smiling a little. Real basic, playing slowly but not too badly; she's definitely not any better than I am on piano. But she's got the cohones to sit in a public place and practice, which I don't! I don't even like to practice in private, because I can't stand to hear myself screw up the music like I do. She is talking to herself as she practices, griping about having to turn the page in the middle of a song, and making comments like, "Oh I see, it's a flat..."
I think the piano playing is annoying to the people at the booth next to me, three yuppie-type young people who are chatting about either homework or a business plan... they keep looking over at her with raised eyebrows and singing along sort of condescendingly. The guy sitting at the table looks EXACTLY like a guy that used to date a suitemate/roommate of mine at EMU, I remember her name being Allison (but we frequently just called her bitch because she NEVER cleaned the bathroom and was having loud sex all the time with whoever would sleep with her). She was in the band at EMU and played clarinet, I think. I am tempted to go over and ask him if he ever dated anyone named Allison, but he looks so young, I don't know if it could be him. I have no clue what his name was... I do remember him being a nice guy though.
But more have wandered in here since, including a woman I assumed either had Alzheimers or wasn't all there... I mean, you can tell something's just off with her. Big thick Coke bottle glasses, shuffles when she walks, and has the worst hat hair I've ever seen. Wearing an old cardigan sweater and sweatpants, with thick socks and beat up sneakers. She seems to be a regular because she was chatting a while with the owner (at least the guy I assume to be the owner) about it being OK to "practice." No idea what she's talking about.
Of course, I'm all comfy here in the corner on a fairly nice couch with a pillow behind me, laptop on what lap I have left, and I didn't even notice the piano in front of me until she sat down at it. She propped up what seems to be a beginner piano book, and starts playing "How Much is That Doggie in the Window," then "Amazing Grace," "On Top of Spaghetti," "Put Your Head on My Shoulder" and few other short pieces. The guys behind the counter both encouraged her after almost every song at first, and she just waved them off, smiling a little. Real basic, playing slowly but not too badly; she's definitely not any better than I am on piano. But she's got the cohones to sit in a public place and practice, which I don't! I don't even like to practice in private, because I can't stand to hear myself screw up the music like I do. She is talking to herself as she practices, griping about having to turn the page in the middle of a song, and making comments like, "Oh I see, it's a flat..."
I think the piano playing is annoying to the people at the booth next to me, three yuppie-type young people who are chatting about either homework or a business plan... they keep looking over at her with raised eyebrows and singing along sort of condescendingly. The guy sitting at the table looks EXACTLY like a guy that used to date a suitemate/roommate of mine at EMU, I remember her name being Allison (but we frequently just called her bitch because she NEVER cleaned the bathroom and was having loud sex all the time with whoever would sleep with her). She was in the band at EMU and played clarinet, I think. I am tempted to go over and ask him if he ever dated anyone named Allison, but he looks so young, I don't know if it could be him. I have no clue what his name was... I do remember him being a nice guy though.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Women's National Book Association
Did I mention I've taken on just one more volunteer thing? I'm now the editor for the national newsletter, Bookwoman, which is part of the Women's National Book Association. I'm in the process of doing reminders to everyone to get me their chapter news and announcements before the end of this month... but of course I'm behind in the assignments I have for myself. A whole folder full of stuff arrived from the former editor that I still need to review, I committed to four separate long articles for the main body of the newsletter, and although they are drafted, they're certainly not done.
My parents are coming to visit this weekend so I won't get much done then. And that leaves just a few days between now and the end of the month. Next month we have baby birthing class on Tuesday nights and yoga continues on Wednesdays... so it's time for time-organizing again. I hate that. But it's pretty necessary.
My parents are coming to visit this weekend so I won't get much done then. And that leaves just a few days between now and the end of the month. Next month we have baby birthing class on Tuesday nights and yoga continues on Wednesdays... so it's time for time-organizing again. I hate that. But it's pretty necessary.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Baby, baby!
I have really tried to make an effort not to be the whiny pregnant girl... but today I'm having some of those round ligament pains - both sides of my stomach - and the back is hurting pretty good too. It makes me tired. I took some Tylenol - also something I am trying to avoid - but it just took the edge off the ligament pains and did nothing for the back. And it made me more tired. So now we're home from yet another family Christmas, which was fun, but we had to be the party poopers because I just couldn't take the discomfort.
We've also started readying the baby room, in earnest. I took out two more tubs of clothes from the room and another bag for the Goodwill. Tubs go downstairs with the many others that are already there. Then the bookcase in the living room was emptied out, and moved into baby's room. My desk will move to the other side of the living room at some point, and boxes of books, videos and CDs will go, guess where, yup... the basement. A pile of books will also find a new home at the Milan library. Scott calls it making the house "lean." It's definitely less cluttery.
Plans for doing the baby registry at Target and/or Babies R Us are set for next weekend. I am trying to get together with my friend Kim to get a list of invitees for one of the baby showers...and we both want to do some baby clothes shopping at a couple of the boutique-y type places in Ann Arbor.
Pretty overwhelming to think there will soon be another person living here, someone who can't do anything for themselves, relying solely on us for all the things they need. Dudley is sort of like that but we don't have to spend half an hour feeding him or dressing or bathing him ... we have a lot of adjusting to do.
We've also started readying the baby room, in earnest. I took out two more tubs of clothes from the room and another bag for the Goodwill. Tubs go downstairs with the many others that are already there. Then the bookcase in the living room was emptied out, and moved into baby's room. My desk will move to the other side of the living room at some point, and boxes of books, videos and CDs will go, guess where, yup... the basement. A pile of books will also find a new home at the Milan library. Scott calls it making the house "lean." It's definitely less cluttery.
Plans for doing the baby registry at Target and/or Babies R Us are set for next weekend. I am trying to get together with my friend Kim to get a list of invitees for one of the baby showers...and we both want to do some baby clothes shopping at a couple of the boutique-y type places in Ann Arbor.
Pretty overwhelming to think there will soon be another person living here, someone who can't do anything for themselves, relying solely on us for all the things they need. Dudley is sort of like that but we don't have to spend half an hour feeding him or dressing or bathing him ... we have a lot of adjusting to do.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Up half the night (guess I should get used to it)
I woke up at 2 a.m. to being kicked, not violently but definitely kicked. Then some rain started, pretty heavy. The rain quit then the neighbors' dogs started barking so I got a little worried that there was a burglar in the area. (I also fantasized about yelling out the back door, "Shut your damn dogs up already.")
So I let Dudley out, figuring if there was anyone within a one-block radius, he'd let me know by going after them. He just went out to pee, so apparently no one was out there. I tried to go back to sleep but my wonderful husband was snoring a bit, and I kept smelling the smoky barbecue on him from earlier today. Normally neither thing would keep me so completely awake but tonight it did. Then the dogs, the kicking, and the rain all started in again, and to top it all off I was too hot.
I gave up and got out of bed, really hoping that the clock would say 6 a.m. and I would be justified in getting up, since I passed out on the couch before 9 last night. But no such luck; it was 3 a.m. I decided to read the rest of my book, "Haunted Ground" by Erin Hart. Gotta remember to take that one to mom, she'll enjoy it.
Now it's almost 5:30 a.m., I'm done with the book and trying to figure out if I should get some work done or just surf the Net.
The wind and rain are alternating now; at one point I heard a waterfall coming off the front gutter and downspout.
I'm hungry (when am I not anymore?) so I think I will get some cereal and finish up my data entry for work. Maybe that will get me back to sleep for a little while before we need to get up for church.
We planned on going to the mall today -- yes we are a little crazy -- but I think we can skip it because I thought of a couple of ideas for gifts that my sweet husband can get me, and they do not involve the mall in any way. I was the only one left he had to shop for. Plus I need to find an easy mousse recipe online so I can take my fabulous chocolate cups for the Christmas Eve bash at the relatives'.
So I let Dudley out, figuring if there was anyone within a one-block radius, he'd let me know by going after them. He just went out to pee, so apparently no one was out there. I tried to go back to sleep but my wonderful husband was snoring a bit, and I kept smelling the smoky barbecue on him from earlier today. Normally neither thing would keep me so completely awake but tonight it did. Then the dogs, the kicking, and the rain all started in again, and to top it all off I was too hot.
I gave up and got out of bed, really hoping that the clock would say 6 a.m. and I would be justified in getting up, since I passed out on the couch before 9 last night. But no such luck; it was 3 a.m. I decided to read the rest of my book, "Haunted Ground" by Erin Hart. Gotta remember to take that one to mom, she'll enjoy it.
Now it's almost 5:30 a.m., I'm done with the book and trying to figure out if I should get some work done or just surf the Net.
The wind and rain are alternating now; at one point I heard a waterfall coming off the front gutter and downspout.
I'm hungry (when am I not anymore?) so I think I will get some cereal and finish up my data entry for work. Maybe that will get me back to sleep for a little while before we need to get up for church.
We planned on going to the mall today -- yes we are a little crazy -- but I think we can skip it because I thought of a couple of ideas for gifts that my sweet husband can get me, and they do not involve the mall in any way. I was the only one left he had to shop for. Plus I need to find an easy mousse recipe online so I can take my fabulous chocolate cups for the Christmas Eve bash at the relatives'.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Today's musings
It's a very blustery day, as Pooh would say. Dudley keeps barking at the wind howling around the house (between naps of course).
Lots of little things happening lately... went to my dr. appt today and everything is progressing normally. I'm 24 weeks and 2 days now. No hiding the fact that I am having a baby at this point! I even had to upgrade to the "fat" maternity clothes. But I am still only 1 pound over my pre-wedding weight. The dr. said I probably won't make the 35-pound weight gain goal by the time the due date rolls around but as long as I keep with the 1-2 pounds a week gain, that's OK. My mom says it's not fair; apparently she gained 50 pounds with each of her pregnancies. But my sister hasn't gained a lot with any of hers, so I think I must be on track. Today when the nurse put the heart monitor on my belly, the heartbeat was good and strong like usual, and then I was hearing this other noise, like a thump, in the monitor. The nurse laughed and said that was the sound of the baby kicking, right at the spot where she was holding the monitor's wand.
Work is getting interesting. We have discovered there is a huge demand for children's books in Arabic. Now the fun part is finding out if we did translate even ONE book into Arabic, how to pay for the new illustrations, the translator, new printing and then guarantee sales to cover those expenses. Not an easy task. I found a few Arabic language book sites online but the quality of the illustrations is just not there. I think we'd do quite well with one of our books particularly; but heck, if there's that much of a demand for anything in Arabic for kids, we could do any one of our books and it would probably sell great. We'll see what comes of all that. I told the boss, find us a way to pay for this stuff and we will get it cranking. She wants guaranteed sales first though. I don't think I can promise that or deliver it.
Trying to get some of the Christmas shopping list completed for the family... a few more gift cards and a couple of specialty things and we'll be done. We don't have the tree up yet and I already have some packages for under the tree! Hopefully we can get some decorations up before this coming weekend.
Meanwhile... the mouse genocide continues in the garage. Thanks to Scott's genius idea to make the mousetrap we have a "hair-trigger," it's us 17, mice, 0. We're thinking we've got most of the mice that would have camped out in the storage area of the garage for the the winter. Hopefully the word has spread through town via the mouse network to stay away from our place -- it's no longer the posh digs it once was!
Lots of little things happening lately... went to my dr. appt today and everything is progressing normally. I'm 24 weeks and 2 days now. No hiding the fact that I am having a baby at this point! I even had to upgrade to the "fat" maternity clothes. But I am still only 1 pound over my pre-wedding weight. The dr. said I probably won't make the 35-pound weight gain goal by the time the due date rolls around but as long as I keep with the 1-2 pounds a week gain, that's OK. My mom says it's not fair; apparently she gained 50 pounds with each of her pregnancies. But my sister hasn't gained a lot with any of hers, so I think I must be on track. Today when the nurse put the heart monitor on my belly, the heartbeat was good and strong like usual, and then I was hearing this other noise, like a thump, in the monitor. The nurse laughed and said that was the sound of the baby kicking, right at the spot where she was holding the monitor's wand.
Work is getting interesting. We have discovered there is a huge demand for children's books in Arabic. Now the fun part is finding out if we did translate even ONE book into Arabic, how to pay for the new illustrations, the translator, new printing and then guarantee sales to cover those expenses. Not an easy task. I found a few Arabic language book sites online but the quality of the illustrations is just not there. I think we'd do quite well with one of our books particularly; but heck, if there's that much of a demand for anything in Arabic for kids, we could do any one of our books and it would probably sell great. We'll see what comes of all that. I told the boss, find us a way to pay for this stuff and we will get it cranking. She wants guaranteed sales first though. I don't think I can promise that or deliver it.
Trying to get some of the Christmas shopping list completed for the family... a few more gift cards and a couple of specialty things and we'll be done. We don't have the tree up yet and I already have some packages for under the tree! Hopefully we can get some decorations up before this coming weekend.
Meanwhile... the mouse genocide continues in the garage. Thanks to Scott's genius idea to make the mousetrap we have a "hair-trigger," it's us 17, mice, 0. We're thinking we've got most of the mice that would have camped out in the storage area of the garage for the the winter. Hopefully the word has spread through town via the mouse network to stay away from our place -- it's no longer the posh digs it once was!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
A new story - it came to me in a dream!
I hate when people say this, but it really happened... this story came to me as I was trying to sleep early this morning.
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THE SWEAT LODGE
They sat in complete silence. Dad didn’t like to be interrupted when he was doing his sweat lodge. That’s what he called it, even though it was a sauna. The sauna was its own little building at the start of the orchard path, but close to the house. Shawna liked to sit in there with her dad, but she brought a toy with her because Dad didn’t want her talking to him. She would just talk to her toy, inside her head.
She’d been in the sweat lodge with Dad a lot of times but she still wasn’t quite used to the heat and closeness of it. It was a small room with no windows, except for a piece of dark glass in the middle of the door that you couldn’t see out of. They’d found it in the dirt when they were raking and leveling the ground for the sauna, and Shawna asked if they could use it in the building. Dad said that would be a good use of it, like the ancestors using all the parts of the deer in the olden days.
Tonight, Shawna’s toy was a doll mom bought her at WalMart. Dad didn’t like them shopping there because he said they weren’t fair to their workers. But mom said they didn’t have much of a choice because they didn’t grow money on trees, just apples. Shawna liked the doll anyway, because it had darker skin and long shiny black hair like her, and you didn’t see a lot of dolls like that. It had a pretty dress on too, and little red shoes. She’d been trying to get the shoes off since mom bought it for her. Tonight in the sauna, she managed to get one of them off. But her hands were sweaty and she dropped the shoe between the slats of the top bench she was sitting on, and it fell to the floor. She set her doll down on her bench, and climbed down to the bottom bench, where Dad was sitting on the other side, by the wall. He didn’t move or acknowledge her.
Shawna spotted the red shoe at the back wall, and crawled under the bench to retrieve it. She turned around to climb back up and realized the stones needed to be wetted. Being eight going on nine, she felt very grown-up when she helped with this step. Dad showed her the right way to do it and she was careful not to splash the water from the cup.
She was starting to feel a little claustrophobic so she decided to step outside for a minute. Fresh steam followed her as she went out the door. Dad said she could leave when she needed to if it was just the two of them, but if she was in the sauna with other grown-ups that she would need to stay in the whole time they were there. Some grown-ups didn’t like kids going in and out and letting out all the steam. But Dad didn’t care if she went outside sometimes.
In early September, it was still light this time of evening. Dad said that was because of where they lived. He said that in this part of the country with the time change, it stayed lighter longer. Shawna didn’t know why the sun being out late had anything to do with the clocks in their house, but Dad knew a lot of things, and she was pretty sure he was right. The sauna didn’t get a lot of use through the summer while Dad was busy working in the orchard, getting just the right combinations of fertilizers and bug sprays on the apple trees. Once school started again, and the apples were ready to pick, he spent more time in the sauna because they had all the pickers come in and do the work.
In the dimming light, Shawna could see that there was someone in the orchard. She squinted to see if the person had a picking bag with them, if it was one of the workers coming in from the back acreage. From his size, she was pretty sure it wasn’t one of the women, and she didn’t see a bag in his hand. He seemed to be walking towards the sauna. Something didn’t seem right and she got scared.
She went back inside the sauna and said quietly, “Daddy, there’s someone in the orchard.” Her voice wavered a little bit, even though she was trying to be brave.
Her father opened his eyes and turned his head to her slowly. “Do you know who it is?”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. She climbed up to the top bench and tightly hugged her doll, who had one shoe still missing.
“I’ll take a look,” he said, getting up from the bench, patting her leg as he stood. His waist and thighs covered with a bright white towel, which seemed to glow in contrast to his summer-darkened skin, he stepped out the door. As the door opened, Shawna saw the very big man already a few feet away from the sauna. The sun had begun setting quickly and it had started getting cooler; Shawna saw steam coming off her dad as he walked from the building. Her father stopped in front of the man and took his regular stance, crossing his arms over his chest.
Shawna got down from the bench and listened at the glass. She could only hear that they were arguing. Or, the big man was trying to get her dad to argue with him. Her mom always said it was impossible to get Dad to argue with anyone, because he was so calm about everything. Shawna remembered her grandfather being the same way. Her grandfather had died last year and she was still sad about that. Shawna opened the door to hear better.
“…and I don’t care that your girl is right there,” said the big man, very loudly and pointing at the sauna.
“She has nothing to do with it,” said her dad, standing completely still with his arms crossed.
“Well, you just better watch her carefully, and you know what I mean,” said the man, turning and walking away towards the road. Shawna and her dad watched the man until the darkness made him disappear.
Her dad turned back to the sauna, his arms still crossed, and he looked at the ground as he walked. When he got closer, he saw her poking her head out the door, and he frowned a little. He came back in to the sauna and shut the door.
“Come here,” he said sitting on the lower bench and patting a spot next to him. Shawna clenched her doll and sat carefully. Dad looked mad.
“What did he want, Daddy?”
“There are some people around here who get upset this time of year when the pickers come in. They say the pickers are taking jobs from the white people.”
“But there are white people who come to pick apples too,” Shawna said.
Her dad smiled. “Yes, but they pay us to do that, then they go home. The pickers come and work all day and we pay them to get the apples.” He looked at the door, as though the man were still out there. “There are people who don’t like that we hire the pickers every year from the same place. Lots of white people around here don’t have jobs right, so they get mad when they see any other people working.”
Shawna thought for a moment. “Kind of like when I see Tina’s doll and I want one too?”
Dad smiled again. “Something like that.” He saw her clenching her fist and said, “What’s this?”
She opened her hand and they both saw that the red doll shoe had made an imprint on her palm from her holding it so tightly. “I got the shoe off and it fell, and then I got it from the floor but I forgot to put it back on.” A shiver went up her back and she realized the steam had faded from the sauna rocks.
“It’s getting cool out here, let’s go in now.” Dad pulled her close in a side hug, and they both stood and went out the door. But Shawna noticed that her dad still looked out at the road once as they walked to the safety of the side porch light on the house.
------------------------------------
THE SWEAT LODGE
They sat in complete silence. Dad didn’t like to be interrupted when he was doing his sweat lodge. That’s what he called it, even though it was a sauna. The sauna was its own little building at the start of the orchard path, but close to the house. Shawna liked to sit in there with her dad, but she brought a toy with her because Dad didn’t want her talking to him. She would just talk to her toy, inside her head.
She’d been in the sweat lodge with Dad a lot of times but she still wasn’t quite used to the heat and closeness of it. It was a small room with no windows, except for a piece of dark glass in the middle of the door that you couldn’t see out of. They’d found it in the dirt when they were raking and leveling the ground for the sauna, and Shawna asked if they could use it in the building. Dad said that would be a good use of it, like the ancestors using all the parts of the deer in the olden days.
Tonight, Shawna’s toy was a doll mom bought her at WalMart. Dad didn’t like them shopping there because he said they weren’t fair to their workers. But mom said they didn’t have much of a choice because they didn’t grow money on trees, just apples. Shawna liked the doll anyway, because it had darker skin and long shiny black hair like her, and you didn’t see a lot of dolls like that. It had a pretty dress on too, and little red shoes. She’d been trying to get the shoes off since mom bought it for her. Tonight in the sauna, she managed to get one of them off. But her hands were sweaty and she dropped the shoe between the slats of the top bench she was sitting on, and it fell to the floor. She set her doll down on her bench, and climbed down to the bottom bench, where Dad was sitting on the other side, by the wall. He didn’t move or acknowledge her.
Shawna spotted the red shoe at the back wall, and crawled under the bench to retrieve it. She turned around to climb back up and realized the stones needed to be wetted. Being eight going on nine, she felt very grown-up when she helped with this step. Dad showed her the right way to do it and she was careful not to splash the water from the cup.
She was starting to feel a little claustrophobic so she decided to step outside for a minute. Fresh steam followed her as she went out the door. Dad said she could leave when she needed to if it was just the two of them, but if she was in the sauna with other grown-ups that she would need to stay in the whole time they were there. Some grown-ups didn’t like kids going in and out and letting out all the steam. But Dad didn’t care if she went outside sometimes.
In early September, it was still light this time of evening. Dad said that was because of where they lived. He said that in this part of the country with the time change, it stayed lighter longer. Shawna didn’t know why the sun being out late had anything to do with the clocks in their house, but Dad knew a lot of things, and she was pretty sure he was right. The sauna didn’t get a lot of use through the summer while Dad was busy working in the orchard, getting just the right combinations of fertilizers and bug sprays on the apple trees. Once school started again, and the apples were ready to pick, he spent more time in the sauna because they had all the pickers come in and do the work.
In the dimming light, Shawna could see that there was someone in the orchard. She squinted to see if the person had a picking bag with them, if it was one of the workers coming in from the back acreage. From his size, she was pretty sure it wasn’t one of the women, and she didn’t see a bag in his hand. He seemed to be walking towards the sauna. Something didn’t seem right and she got scared.
She went back inside the sauna and said quietly, “Daddy, there’s someone in the orchard.” Her voice wavered a little bit, even though she was trying to be brave.
Her father opened his eyes and turned his head to her slowly. “Do you know who it is?”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. She climbed up to the top bench and tightly hugged her doll, who had one shoe still missing.
“I’ll take a look,” he said, getting up from the bench, patting her leg as he stood. His waist and thighs covered with a bright white towel, which seemed to glow in contrast to his summer-darkened skin, he stepped out the door. As the door opened, Shawna saw the very big man already a few feet away from the sauna. The sun had begun setting quickly and it had started getting cooler; Shawna saw steam coming off her dad as he walked from the building. Her father stopped in front of the man and took his regular stance, crossing his arms over his chest.
Shawna got down from the bench and listened at the glass. She could only hear that they were arguing. Or, the big man was trying to get her dad to argue with him. Her mom always said it was impossible to get Dad to argue with anyone, because he was so calm about everything. Shawna remembered her grandfather being the same way. Her grandfather had died last year and she was still sad about that. Shawna opened the door to hear better.
“…and I don’t care that your girl is right there,” said the big man, very loudly and pointing at the sauna.
“She has nothing to do with it,” said her dad, standing completely still with his arms crossed.
“Well, you just better watch her carefully, and you know what I mean,” said the man, turning and walking away towards the road. Shawna and her dad watched the man until the darkness made him disappear.
Her dad turned back to the sauna, his arms still crossed, and he looked at the ground as he walked. When he got closer, he saw her poking her head out the door, and he frowned a little. He came back in to the sauna and shut the door.
“Come here,” he said sitting on the lower bench and patting a spot next to him. Shawna clenched her doll and sat carefully. Dad looked mad.
“What did he want, Daddy?”
“There are some people around here who get upset this time of year when the pickers come in. They say the pickers are taking jobs from the white people.”
“But there are white people who come to pick apples too,” Shawna said.
Her dad smiled. “Yes, but they pay us to do that, then they go home. The pickers come and work all day and we pay them to get the apples.” He looked at the door, as though the man were still out there. “There are people who don’t like that we hire the pickers every year from the same place. Lots of white people around here don’t have jobs right, so they get mad when they see any other people working.”
Shawna thought for a moment. “Kind of like when I see Tina’s doll and I want one too?”
Dad smiled again. “Something like that.” He saw her clenching her fist and said, “What’s this?”
She opened her hand and they both saw that the red doll shoe had made an imprint on her palm from her holding it so tightly. “I got the shoe off and it fell, and then I got it from the floor but I forgot to put it back on.” A shiver went up her back and she realized the steam had faded from the sauna rocks.
“It’s getting cool out here, let’s go in now.” Dad pulled her close in a side hug, and they both stood and went out the door. But Shawna noticed that her dad still looked out at the road once as they walked to the safety of the side porch light on the house.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Cripes, it's been a while...
My apologies to those who have been looking for updates here... been busy getting married, pregnant, working at the new job, etc. Oh yes, all happened this year!!
I am now Shannon J. again, which is pretty cool, I even changed my name today at the Secretary of State's office (more on that in a minute). I haven't even had time lately to get a haircut, which explains the almost constant ponytail, and my poor dog hasn't been for a walk in - well, I don't know how long. I just spent an hour this past weekend going over an enormous pile of mail (only half of which were bills, thank goodness, and some of them were even paid already) and I spent another 2-3 hours just cleaning the house. The spare room - soon to be the nursery!! - needed some serious cleaning alone. All the while I am trying to stop scratching, since my new injection medicine caused a nasty allergic reaction at the injection sites ... but hopefully the new meds (along with the Prednisone... ah, such wonderful stuff) will help with that.
Let's see... here's been my day so far.
Got up later than expected since my poor hubby wasn't able to sleep last night until like 3 a.m. (so the alarm got reset after it went off at 5:45). One of the issues with working at home and not having established a schedule just yet (hey it's only been 5 months, gimme a break). Anywho, the trash didn't get taken out last night so of course the recycling people and the trash guys both showed up before 9 a.m. (which never happens) and so now we have several bags of stuff that has to sit around for another week before we can get rid of it.
I got myself together to get out the door early to the Secretary of State's office, since we were finally able to get ACTUALLY married yesterday and we have a wedding license now (YAY!)... but hubby needed some help this morning getting off to his job, so of course I helped. Which meant I didn't get out the door until 9:45. I get to the Secretary of State's office about 15 minutes later, and although the smell in the place was slightly worse than the inside of a professional hockey gear bag, I grabbed a number and sat on a very uncomfortable plastic chair and waited. Now serving #54. I have the number 60, so I think, heck, this won't take too long.
I endure a video by the acting Secretary of State on the beautiful flat screen TVs (the only thing that's been updated in this office since about 1980) about how there have been so many updates and modernizations! Ha. About a half hour and a Pop-Tart later, I'm looking around for a water fountain or water cooler, but all there is in the corner is an ATM machine, because of course they only take cash or checks, no debit/credit cards here. Modernized, my butt. Finally I get called up into the line (because they can't rely on us to do that ourselves) and handed a form to fill out. It's about 6 lines long. I wasn't sure whether to put my new name on or the old one so I left it blank.
After letting another guy go ahead of me, and waiting for the lady with the oxygen tank to go ahead of me too, I finally get my turn. I show all the paperwork, fill in the form with my NEW name, get my lovely picture taken, and am told the card will be in the mail in 2-3 weeks. The only good thing here is that now I don't have to come in next month and get the thing renewed, or have to change my voter registration either, since they were efficient enough to take care of those today.
Then I decide to get to the bank and change my name on the savings account, since there's a branch right around the corner. I parked, and as I got out of the car, I see an older African American man getting out of a sedan, yelling at his driver... something about "You gonna say something, bi***? Go ahead, say something!" Great, I get to be in the bank with this guy. So I took my time inside filling out the withdrawal slip and getting in line. He was already with a teller when I got up there, talking to the teller about how she needed to write the balance on his slip much larger, because he couldn't see. I'm thinking he probably could have seen just fine if he hadn't been completely sauced. So while I am filling out another name change form, he's saying to his teller, "I think I know you from somewhere," and the poor girl is shaking her head. Then he starts mumbling about security and how she doesn't know him from anything. He says to her, "Ask me what my pin number is, go ahead, ask me. Ask me." Finally she gives in and says, "What's your pin number?" and he replies, "I ain't tellin you. Now why'd you go and ask me?" Yikes. So he gets his cash and goes to leave, but instead of turning around to see where he's walking, he walks backwards right into a display, which crashes into the wainscoting on the other wall, cracking the molding along the floor and taking a nice sized chip out of the display. Quite a noise. So the managers all rush out of their offices, and instead of helping to pick it up, drunk guy mumbles "Sorry" a couple of times and walks out. This is why I don't shop in the area anymore, weirdos!!
Topping off the day is a 45-minute discussion on the phone with my boss, who wants me to redo several timesheets with more detail, even though I redid several of them last night (which took me hours). Apparently I'm not billing enough time to clients vs. the company, and so now I need to go back and re-redo the work I already did. Which is one of my biggest pet peeves.
I also spent some time today sorting piles of junk on my desk - which you would think would not take all that long considering my desk is pretty small. But it took longer than I wanted it to, and two items I found were some unfinished writing that's been sitting around for about 6 years. Reminding me also that there's another thing I have not done, compounding the frustration of my day.
Other than that, everything's fine. :)
I am now Shannon J. again, which is pretty cool, I even changed my name today at the Secretary of State's office (more on that in a minute). I haven't even had time lately to get a haircut, which explains the almost constant ponytail, and my poor dog hasn't been for a walk in - well, I don't know how long. I just spent an hour this past weekend going over an enormous pile of mail (only half of which were bills, thank goodness, and some of them were even paid already) and I spent another 2-3 hours just cleaning the house. The spare room - soon to be the nursery!! - needed some serious cleaning alone. All the while I am trying to stop scratching, since my new injection medicine caused a nasty allergic reaction at the injection sites ... but hopefully the new meds (along with the Prednisone... ah, such wonderful stuff) will help with that.
Let's see... here's been my day so far.
Got up later than expected since my poor hubby wasn't able to sleep last night until like 3 a.m. (so the alarm got reset after it went off at 5:45). One of the issues with working at home and not having established a schedule just yet (hey it's only been 5 months, gimme a break). Anywho, the trash didn't get taken out last night so of course the recycling people and the trash guys both showed up before 9 a.m. (which never happens) and so now we have several bags of stuff that has to sit around for another week before we can get rid of it.
I got myself together to get out the door early to the Secretary of State's office, since we were finally able to get ACTUALLY married yesterday and we have a wedding license now (YAY!)... but hubby needed some help this morning getting off to his job, so of course I helped. Which meant I didn't get out the door until 9:45. I get to the Secretary of State's office about 15 minutes later, and although the smell in the place was slightly worse than the inside of a professional hockey gear bag, I grabbed a number and sat on a very uncomfortable plastic chair and waited. Now serving #54. I have the number 60, so I think, heck, this won't take too long.
I endure a video by the acting Secretary of State on the beautiful flat screen TVs (the only thing that's been updated in this office since about 1980) about how there have been so many updates and modernizations! Ha. About a half hour and a Pop-Tart later, I'm looking around for a water fountain or water cooler, but all there is in the corner is an ATM machine, because of course they only take cash or checks, no debit/credit cards here. Modernized, my butt. Finally I get called up into the line (because they can't rely on us to do that ourselves) and handed a form to fill out. It's about 6 lines long. I wasn't sure whether to put my new name on or the old one so I left it blank.
After letting another guy go ahead of me, and waiting for the lady with the oxygen tank to go ahead of me too, I finally get my turn. I show all the paperwork, fill in the form with my NEW name, get my lovely picture taken, and am told the card will be in the mail in 2-3 weeks. The only good thing here is that now I don't have to come in next month and get the thing renewed, or have to change my voter registration either, since they were efficient enough to take care of those today.
Then I decide to get to the bank and change my name on the savings account, since there's a branch right around the corner. I parked, and as I got out of the car, I see an older African American man getting out of a sedan, yelling at his driver... something about "You gonna say something, bi***? Go ahead, say something!" Great, I get to be in the bank with this guy. So I took my time inside filling out the withdrawal slip and getting in line. He was already with a teller when I got up there, talking to the teller about how she needed to write the balance on his slip much larger, because he couldn't see. I'm thinking he probably could have seen just fine if he hadn't been completely sauced. So while I am filling out another name change form, he's saying to his teller, "I think I know you from somewhere," and the poor girl is shaking her head. Then he starts mumbling about security and how she doesn't know him from anything. He says to her, "Ask me what my pin number is, go ahead, ask me. Ask me." Finally she gives in and says, "What's your pin number?" and he replies, "I ain't tellin you. Now why'd you go and ask me?" Yikes. So he gets his cash and goes to leave, but instead of turning around to see where he's walking, he walks backwards right into a display, which crashes into the wainscoting on the other wall, cracking the molding along the floor and taking a nice sized chip out of the display. Quite a noise. So the managers all rush out of their offices, and instead of helping to pick it up, drunk guy mumbles "Sorry" a couple of times and walks out. This is why I don't shop in the area anymore, weirdos!!
Topping off the day is a 45-minute discussion on the phone with my boss, who wants me to redo several timesheets with more detail, even though I redid several of them last night (which took me hours). Apparently I'm not billing enough time to clients vs. the company, and so now I need to go back and re-redo the work I already did. Which is one of my biggest pet peeves.
I also spent some time today sorting piles of junk on my desk - which you would think would not take all that long considering my desk is pretty small. But it took longer than I wanted it to, and two items I found were some unfinished writing that's been sitting around for about 6 years. Reminding me also that there's another thing I have not done, compounding the frustration of my day.
Other than that, everything's fine. :)
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Easy to use website builder
I signed up for Yahoo! Small Business services in April to develop my website, www.writingandmarketing.com. I've been having a little trouble uploading PDFs to the site... until today. They upgraded the website editing software I use (there are actually 4 to choose from, of course I picked the one that's easiest) and it's really pretty cool. It's called SiteBuilder, and it's good for people who don't want to learn HTML and have flashing crap running across the screen. You can build a store with it too... which I may do eventually.
Friday, June 22, 2007
God Help The Price is Right
So I had heard a rumor that Rosie O'Donnell was vying for The Price is Right hosting job. I thought, "Yeah right, Bob would NEVER go for that. He's a classy guy." It's a job for someone who can step back and let the contestants be the show. I mean, for 30 years his only political statement was his signoff, "Remember folks, to spay and neuter your pets." Simple, effective and not a topic people can dispute as being important or not. True that he had all those sexual harassment suits thrown at him at one point, but he's an old-school game show host with young scantily-clad models around him all day... what do you expect?
Rosie can't be that unpolitical and subtly opinionated.
Just when I thought the whole thing was just a rumor, then I saw this in People magazine today (my comments inserted with the bullets):
Rosie O'Donnell Meets with Price Is Right Producers
FRIDAY JUNE 22, 2007 09:50 AM
By Emily Fromm
As promised, Rosie O'Donnell met with The Price Is Right producers on Thursday – although the speculation that she'll replace Bob Barker as the show's host has been losing steam.
Rosie can't be that unpolitical and subtly opinionated.
Just when I thought the whole thing was just a rumor, then I saw this in People magazine today (my comments inserted with the bullets):
Rosie O'Donnell Meets with Price Is Right Producers
FRIDAY JUNE 22, 2007 09:50 AM
By Emily Fromm
As promised, Rosie O'Donnell met with The Price Is Right producers on Thursday – although the speculation that she'll replace Bob Barker as the show's host has been losing steam.
- THANK GOD...
Asked on her blog how her interview went, O'Donnell replies, "we had a nice lunch" – but does not elaborate. Another reader writes, "I see that Drew Carey's name has been thrown into the mix. Any comments?" Writes O'Donnell: "i love drew carey."
- DREW CAREY AS THE HOST OF PIR?? NAHH.
- NOOOOOOOO, BOB!! SAY IT AIN'T SO!!!! DO I HAVE TO GET HAPPY GILMORE TO SMACK YOU?
O'Donnell herself sounded pessimistic about her chances in a recent video post on her blog: "I don't know if it's gonna work out," she told fans. "I just think it's a part of American nostalgia, and it's what America needs right now. It would be good for me, but I don't know if it's right for them."
- WELL AT LEAST SHE'S BEING REALISTIC. I IMAGINE AT THE LUNCH THEY HAD, THEY PROBABLY TOLD HER SHE CAN'T BE A LOUDMOUTH JERK AS THE HOST OF THE SHOW AND SHE PROBABLY ANSWERED..."WHATEVER." THAT IS NOT THE KIND OF ATTITUDE THE SHOW -- OR THE REST OF THIS WORLD -- NEEDS. WE CAN ONLY HOPE AND PRAY THAT SHE DOES NOT LAND THIS GIG.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
HALLELUJAH!!!
Nancy Grace to end show on Court TV
ATLANTA - Nancy Grace is ending her justice-themed interview and debate show, "Nancy Grace: Closing Arguments," on Court TV after 10 years with the network.
That's the best thing I've heard since Rosie O' Donnell quit The View.Friday, May 04, 2007
Recent peeves, Kid Rock and Blades of Glory
So I am covering a few topics today.
First, I have to say that Snow Patrol and the Fray are whiny-ass sounding bands who need to NOT be played on the radio ever again. It seems every time I turn on just about any station here in Detroit, I hear these two bands' songs. Their sound (because even though it's two bands I am talking about, they sound the same) is a rip-off of Five For Fighting (a good band) and I am really tired of hearing these posers. They do NOT actually know "how to save a life" even if their stupid song has been adopted by "Grey's Anatomy." Come on. I would much rather hear Marilyn Manson because he has musical talent.
A few days ago a local high school girls' golf team had their clubs stolen from the back of the coach's SUV. The very next day Kid Rock called the coach and told her he was going to help them out by getting custom-made clubs from TaylorMade to replace all the clubs that were stolen! Anything else you want to say about Kid, I think he's a nice guy.
Link to the Ann Arbor News article on it:
http://www.mlive.com/news/annarbornews/index.ssf?/
base/news-22/1178203448215770.xml&coll=2
And finally, I took my sweetie on a date last Friday night to see "Blades of Glory" with Will Ferrell and Jon Heder. Frigging hilarious! We left the theatre laughing so hard, our sides were hurting. I will never hear the song "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" by Aerosmith and think of it the same way again. If you have not seen this movie, see it. We're definitely buying a copy to have at home as soon as it comes out on DVD.
First, I have to say that Snow Patrol and the Fray are whiny-ass sounding bands who need to NOT be played on the radio ever again. It seems every time I turn on just about any station here in Detroit, I hear these two bands' songs. Their sound (because even though it's two bands I am talking about, they sound the same) is a rip-off of Five For Fighting (a good band) and I am really tired of hearing these posers. They do NOT actually know "how to save a life" even if their stupid song has been adopted by "Grey's Anatomy." Come on. I would much rather hear Marilyn Manson because he has musical talent.
A few days ago a local high school girls' golf team had their clubs stolen from the back of the coach's SUV. The very next day Kid Rock called the coach and told her he was going to help them out by getting custom-made clubs from TaylorMade to replace all the clubs that were stolen! Anything else you want to say about Kid, I think he's a nice guy.
Link to the Ann Arbor News article on it:
http://www.mlive.com/news/annarbornews/index.ssf?/
base/news-22/1178203448215770.xml&coll=2
And finally, I took my sweetie on a date last Friday night to see "Blades of Glory" with Will Ferrell and Jon Heder. Frigging hilarious! We left the theatre laughing so hard, our sides were hurting. I will never hear the song "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" by Aerosmith and think of it the same way again. If you have not seen this movie, see it. We're definitely buying a copy to have at home as soon as it comes out on DVD.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Weird book titles
'Stray Shopping Carts' wins oddest title
By JILL LAWLESS, Associated Press Writer
Rogue shopping carts beat green Nazis Friday in the battle for one of Britain's most unusual book prizes.
"The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification" was named winner of the Bookseller/Diagram Prize for oddest book title.
The book, written by Buffalo, N.Y.-based artist Julian Montague and published by Harry N. Abrams, beat "How Green Were the Nazis?" a study of the environmental policies of the Third Reich.
"Stray Shopping Carts" received a third of the more than 5,500 votes cast by the public on the Web site of trade magazine The Bookseller.
"It's a sort of strange honor to have," Montague said. "But I welcome the publicity and it's nice that people are finding out my book exists."
Montague's work — documented on his Stray Shopping Cart Project Web site — offers a mock-scientific look at the varieties of lost shopping carts, from the simply discarded to the elaborately vandalized.
"Then there's plow crush — where a cart gets crushed by a snow plow — and train crush," Montague said. "It's really a project about the power of language and scientific classification to shape the way we see the world."
Runner-up for the prize was "Tattooed Mountain Women and Spoon Boxes of Daghestan," by Robert Chenciner, Gabib Ismailov, Magomedkhan Magomedkhanov and Alex Binnie (Bennett & Bloom).
The other finalists were "Di Mascio's Delicious Ice Cream: Di Mascio of Coventry: an Ice Cream Company of Repute, With an Interesting and Varied Fleet of Ice Cream Vans," by Roger De Boer, Harvey Francis Pitcher and Alan Wilkinson (Past Masters); "Proceedings of the Eighteenth International Seaweed Symposium" (Kluwer); and "Better Never to Have Been: The Harm of Coming Into Existence," by David Benatar (Clarendon Press).
Past winners of the 29-year-old prize include "People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It."
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Ten of the best April Fool's Day hoaxes
Thu Mar 29, 4:19 AM ET
NEW YORK (AFP) - From television revealing that spaghetti grows on trees to advertisements for the left-handed burger, the tradition of April Fool's Day stories in the media has a weird and wonderful history.
Here are 10 of the top April Fool's Day pranks ever pulled off, as judged by the Museum of Hoaxes for their notoriety, absurdity, and number of people duped.
-- In 1957, a BBC television show announced that thanks to a mild winter and the virtual elimination of the spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. Footage of Swiss farmers pulling strands of spaghetti from trees prompted a barrage of calls from people wanting to know how to grow their own spaghetti at home.
-- In 1985, Sports Illustrated magazine published a story that a rookie baseball pitcher who could reportedly throw a ball at 270 kilometers per hour (168 miles per hour) was set to join the New York Mets. Finch was said to have mastered his skill -- pitching significantly faster than anyone else has ever managed -- in a Tibetan monastery. Mets fans' celebrations were short-lived.
-- Sweden in 1962 had only one television channel, which broadcast in black and white. The station's technical expert appeared on the news to announce that thanks to a newly developed technology, viewers could convert their existing sets to receive color pictures by pulling a nylon stocking over the screen. In fact, they had to wait until 1970.
-- In 1996, American fast-food chain Taco Bell announced that it had bought Philadelphia's Liberty Bell, a historic symbol of American independence, from the federal government and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Outraged citizens called to express their anger before Taco Bell revealed the hoax. Then-White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale and said the Lincoln Memorial in Washington had also been sold and was to be renamed the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial after the automotive giant.
-- In 1977, British newspaper The Guardian published a seven-page supplement for the 10th anniversary of San Serriffe, a small republic located in the Indian Ocean consisting of several semicolon-shaped islands. A series of articles described the geography and culture of the two main islands, named Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse.
-- In 1992, US National Public Radio announced that Richard Nixon was running for president again. His new campaign slogan was, "I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again." They even had clips of Nixon announcing his candidacy. Listeners flooded the show with calls expressing their outrage. Nixon's voice actually turned out to be that of impersonator Rich Little.
-- In 1998, a newsletter titled New Mexicans for Science and Reason carried an article that the state of Alabama had voted to change the value of pi from 3.14159 to the "Biblical value" of 3.0.
-- Burger King, another American fast-food chain, published a full-page advertisement in USA Today in 1998 announcing the introduction of the "Left-Handed Whopper," specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new burger included the same ingredients as the original, but the condiments were rotated 180 degrees. The chain said it received thousands of requests for the new burger, as well as orders for the original "right-handed" version.
-- Discover Magazine announced in 1995 that a highly respected biologist, Aprile Pazzo (Italian for April Fool), had discovered a new species in Antarctica: the hotheaded naked ice borer. The creatures were described as having bony plates on their heads that became burning hot, allowing the animals to bore through ice at high speed -- a technique they used to hunt penguins.
-- Noted British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on the radio in 1976 that at 9:47 am, a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event, in which Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, would cause a gravitational alignment that would reduce the Earth's gravity. Moore told listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment of the planetary alignment, they would experience a floating sensation. Hundreds of people called in to report feeling the sensation.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Miracles never cease
While on a lovely vacation a couple of weeks ago, I bought a Gentle Leader for Dudley. Supposedly, for $19.99, you put this thingy on the dog's face and they don't pull on the leash anymore. I liked taking Dudley for walks... except for the fact that I just about got my arm yanked out of its socket. So I was willing to give it a try. I fitted him with it Sunday and tried a short walk. Apparently I put it on too tight over the bridge of his nose, because he spent most of our walk (a whole 4 blocks) trying to paw it off. But I have to say, even with that distraction, we had a pleasant walk... he literally could not pull ahead because when he did, I only had to exert the smallest amount of pressure (with two fingers...really!) and he would turn his head towards me. He also stopped walking when I did it.
Last night we tried a looser fit over his nose, and went for a longer walk. What a difference from the yanking and pulling! He still tried to paw it off last night but just about a half-dozen times. Then we had a very nice walk, where most of the time he was next to me. He did want to walk ahead but when he did, he didn't pull. Anyone looking for a help with their dog's yanking... buy one of these things! They are available online (Ebay) or at Petco (significantly more expensive there though).
Last night we tried a looser fit over his nose, and went for a longer walk. What a difference from the yanking and pulling! He still tried to paw it off last night but just about a half-dozen times. Then we had a very nice walk, where most of the time he was next to me. He did want to walk ahead but when he did, he didn't pull. Anyone looking for a help with their dog's yanking... buy one of these things! They are available online (Ebay) or at Petco (significantly more expensive there though).
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
A big day!
Today the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame finally acknowledged one of the most influential groups of all time -- Grand Master Flash!! The first time I heard "Rapper's Delight" I was hooked. Of course, that was in MTV's infancy, so anyone who had a video I was happy to watch. But they're a great group just the same.
Plus it's almost 70 degrees here today and that just rocks!
Plus it's almost 70 degrees here today and that just rocks!
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