A few pictures of us & our cute kid

Sliding into motherhood

I've been composing this post in my head for a couple of weeks now.

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Tomorrow will mark three weeks since I had a baby. It was not supposed to happen the way it did, emergency C-section and all, but everyone is OK and that's all that really matters. Because our son (still weird to say that) was 6 weeks premature, he has been in the NICU since birth. We've been visiting every day, sometimes twice. At first I had to be wheeled in to the hospital and up to the unit because of my surgery and high blood pressure, and because I was utterly exhausted from healing up. Everyone is saying, you're sort of lucky that you get this time to heal up, otherwise you'd be healing up and taking care of a newborn. I guess it's true. I do feel better than I did three weeks ago but I also am not sure about this time being an advantage over other people's experiences.

I think my husband said it best: Most people have a couple of days of excitement around the time of a new baby being born, particularly their first. Then they bring the baby home and all that excited feeling turns into nervous feeling. Doubting one's ability to take care of this squalling few pounds of person that you love more than anything even though you know nothing about them. It's all a guessing game - Why is the baby crying? Diaper? needs to be held? gas? tired and doesn't want to sleep? scared of a noise? And it's up to you to figure it out and solve the problem ASAP.

We've now had three weeks of up and down and back up again, while we watch our little guy go from an isolette to a little crib, and cross our fingers each time he got to a feeding. At first I wasn't sure I was bonding or connecting with him, but that went away as soon as I was able to nurse. I even say to myself each time I have to sit down and express milk on the dreaded pump: "This is for Ethan," and it doesn't hurt as much. One night last week as I sat holding him, waiting for Scott to arrive at the hospital, I looked at Ethan's little relaxed sleeping face and just about burst into tears, from the sudden rush of love I had for this little guy. As I was telling Scott, I love him simply because he's here, on this earth, not because I know anything about his personality to love, like I would normally for an adult I would meet.

Last night he was circumcised and it just about tore my heart out to hear him wailing ... I felt completely inept. But finally he was soothed and took some food, then collapsed into a limp sleep on Scott's lap.

I've been referring to my parents as mom and dad for 37 years... but now they are grandma and grandpa and I am the mom, Scott is the dad... I need to retrain the brain into using these labels. I also have to remember that there is help when I need it, and to ask for it. I am not good at that, so I will have to work on that too.