One summer when I was a kid, my grandparents took me on a trip to the U.P. of Michigan. I stood under the Mackinaw Bridge in the water, saying "Look, I'm standing in Lake Michigan and Lake Huron at the same time." I thought that was pretty cool. But now that I am a mom, a parent, someone responsible for a small person who relies on me for everything, I don't know if I like that feeling so much.
I feel like I have a split personality lately. I have been vascillating between "Ohmygosh I can't get enough of looking into his eyes and I don't want to set him down, I just want to hold him all the time, he's so awesome" and "When can I put him down and get my life back to what it was before?" Which of course, won't happen... life has changed into something else now and I can't go back. But I haven't figured out what that is yet, because I don't know. There's no plan, no guidebook, no instruction manual, no agenda.
I find myself wishing the time away. When we're up in the middle of the night, I check the clock a lot, looking to see how long he's been eating, estimate when he might be done, how long it might take to burp him and then when he might sleep... because that's when I can sleep. Then I want to skip ahead to the sleeping part, particularly if I get a chance to actually sleep in my own bed next to my husband. But then the other part of me says, "Don't wish the time away; then it will go too fast and before you know it he'll be walking and talking and telling you NO and you'll say 'where did the time go?'" I might sleep through the whole night again someday, but for now I'd appreciate one night a week where I am not interrupted and don't have a child sleeping on me. Of course, holding him with both arms while he sleeps and makes that little snoring noise, is just the best whole feeling I've ever had. It also makes me wonder what I ever did with all my free time before.
And I can't wait for the time when he is older and we can take him to do something fun like picking berries or going to a museum, but I also appreciate the portability of his size right now. I look forward to the day that he can dress himself and feed himself, and tell me what he's thinking. But I like the fact that I have some control over what he eats and wears right now, considering I don't have much control over when he eats yet or how often I have to change his clothes.
I'm straddling two worlds in several ways. I also can't wait to lose the weight I gained... although I have lost some, I'm still about 5 pounds up from the day we got married, and even then, I wanted to lose 20 pounds. I'm trying to squeeze into my old clothes, because the maternity clothes are too big. But the old clothes are still a bit small.
I want to get back to work, because I need the intellectual stimulation... but also because we have some stuff to pay off and keep payments up on. The other part of me also wants to just go to play dates with my son and drink caffeinated stuff at a cafe with other moms and chat about whatever.
After talking to a girlfriend and also my sister this weekend, I discovered that I am not alone in this feeling and that it will probably continue. I guess this whole experience of being a parent will make me learn how to react to things "on the fly" and be more flexible. At least, that's what I can hope for.
