A different kind of training

Preparing for the next relationship after a divorce (or a bad breakup) means training like an Olympian. (And by relationship, I am not referring to the “transitional” person you inevitably end up with for a short period. This can be a one-night thing or a couple of months, but it usually doesn’t last much longer than that).

First you have to get your mental game on. You know, the separation of head and brain. This is when the brain says, “I don’t need anyone in my life to be whole, I like spending time alone, I like my own company.” The heart and body on the other hand are fighting for someone to come along, ASAP. Their response is, “The hell with that, brain. We need some sex to feel attractive and intimate and less horny, even if it’s short-lived.”

Knowing that Brain is correct, but believing it and actually living it is another. As long as you have Brain’s message in there, and it keeps playing, you’re well on your way to getting past Mr. or Ms. Transitional/Mr. or Mrs. Wrong.

Part of the mental game preparation involves some practical stuff, too. Things like:

• Get financially set – Get into a routine of saving money and paying bills on time, particularly if you don’t have that yet. Talk to a financial planner or credit counselor, or a trusted friend about a budget, and then stick with it. This may involve looking for a new job, even. But the relief you feel just from completing this step will allow you the freedom to concentrate on other stuff. Keep reading.

• Get a support system – Should you need to talk, find out which friends or family members are okay with you calling in the middle of the night. Because you will need to at some point.

• Have fun – Do things you like to do regularly, so you can recharge your batteries. This helps you meet new people (platonic friends) and relax, and not think about Mr. or Ms. Wrong all the time. It helps keep those Pity Parties at bay. Remember that you have to have a reserve of happy inside you first, before you can give it to someone else.

• Make actual attempts to be healthy – Exercise and eat right, and get enough sleep. If you do nothing else on this list, you need these three, especially if you never have before.

Then the hard part comes. Get emotionally set – find a way to get your hands on all the tools to battle whatever comes your way. This is the only way to become strong enough to defend yourself appropriately from the No-Confidence and Disrespect monsters. Work out all those past angers, frustrations, trust issues, grudges, negative thoughts, nightmares, bad dates, things that set you on panic, whatever.

This means therapy, kickboxing, screaming at the top of your lungs, or lots of late nights talking to those friends/family while annoying them with yet another “What happened, why did this happen to me, why did this happen now” blah blah blah. Or all of the above.

One day, you will awake and the heart and brain will have signed a peace treaty overnight. This is when you will be truly ready to Go Look. This involves joining social clubs, online matching services, meeting those friends of friends on a regular basis for activities, hitting the gym more – wherever there are more single people like yourself, put yourself there. Take your time to review the available options. You may have to open your horizons to a different “look” than is your norm – or at the very least, hang out with people who have very different interests from yours and see what develops.

Then it’s Dating Time. Keep it on a platonic level for at least a couple of dates, and keep it in public view, during the daytime if at all possible. The reason I recommend these two things, is simply safety. You’re not stuck 1) in your nice clothes sitting in a restaurant for dinner for two hours with someone you have decided within the first few minutes is definitely NOT for you or 2) trying to get someone out of your house (or leave theirs) at night after some unwanted moves or disrespectful commentary. Ideas for the first few dates: go out for coffee, take walks, hit the museums, even shopping at the mall. You’ll also get a lot out of plain old phone conversations (or instant messages/text messages) in between those first few face-to-face meetings.

Then narrow it down. Pick a couple of people to keep seeing, a few more times, and get into the more date-like dates. Dinner, movie, dancing, a few drinks, play pool or darts or go to a sporting event. Bring some friends with you too, or hang out with their friends, and see how the new person interacts with others. This will give you depth of insight you never thought possible. Once you’ve had a few more involved dates, you’ll get a better idea who’s the most compatible for you. (Time is on your side, so use it.)

Only then will you be ready for a relationship - because when you find someone you’d like to spend some time with, exclusively, then the work really begins.

True loving is hard work. Your love test will come when you agree to do something you don’t want to do, but for that person you do it – including setting them free if that’s required.

Love is romance… but it’s also putting up with relatives on a weekend afternoon when you’d much rather be home vegetating on the couch. Love is worrying about the other person when you know they’re making a bad decision and your opinion mattered… but just not quite enough.

Love is not saying “I told you so” when they come back to you and say “I was wrong” or “I’m sorry.” Love is being honest with yourself, and with other people too.

Love is supporting your words with actions – being a loving person has more weight than telling someone you love them. Love is even agreeing to disagree sometimes.